We received news today that the trial for the contested adoption of our precious son is set to begin on the 30th of August. While we know that a trial must take place to finish this journey the news does not come lightly. We have been walking through this now for about 19 months and it appears to finally be nearing the end. The trial should last for several days and then the judge will rule. Even if he rules in our favor, they will be allowed to appeal once again and another waiting period of 3-6 months will ensue before we would receive final word from the appeals court if they uphold his decision or reverse it. And that would be it. A call that we have to wait for to determine the future of our family and the precious life of my Joshua.
In my head I know that the final decision rests with the Lord, but having no control over that and knowing it is going to be handed down from strangers who may or may not know Him is hard. I so badly want to invite each of those judges over. I want to sit with them on our couch and share the truth and have them see this sweet boy with his brothers and sister. But that is not the road that lies before us, and so we will follow the path that the Lord has laid out for us one step at a time.
When I heard the news today my stomach did the twist, turn, and drop that I have become accustomed to and then I immediately began seeking God – pressing in hard. And not because I love Him (i do) or trust Him, but because I am DESPERATE. Fighting to draw near, to resist the fear that so easily entangles. Right away He reminded me of Abraham and the testing of his faith. He was asked to lay his beloved son down on the alter and take his life with his very own hands (talk about not getting to sit on a comfy couch and present your side of things!). Oh I can’t imagine what his stomach felt like. How he had to fight the grip of fear as he chopped wood and walked the three day journey to the mountain. How he had to keep his outward appearance together for his son, all the while screaming on the inside. I never thought I would get this close to understanding his journey. And oh, how I will hug that man in heaven! For walking this road first and doing it with such obedience and grace. I will thank him most for these words that he spoke right before they walked up Mount Moriah, “We will worship and then we will come back to you.” He believed full well that God would not take his son forever. He may have had to walk a gruesome road of sacrifice, but he was confident that the Lord would step in and do whatever was needed for both he and Issac to come back down that mountain TOGETHER! And He did! He didn’t even make him go through with it! He spared both of them. Oh what a beautiful sight that ram must of been! Fresh water in the dessert! It makes me cry right now as I type, such a gift, such welcomed relief! And I bet they did worship, like they had never worshiped before.
Oh, I want this kind of faith! I want it so badly, to be be confident on this side of things and not waiver in doubt and fear. I want to follow Abraham’s example, and say we will worship and we will be back. And yet I know that I can’t muster it up on my own. So once again I find myself humbled, asking, drawing in…
Lord please give me faith and sustain me each moment, for you alone are my answer. Show me your goodness and kindness, give me your rest and peace. My faith and hope are in you alone. Please father, allow us to come down the mountain together, Amen.
Will you pray for us, for our son, and for the mountain that stands in front of us? We covet those prayers and rest in knowing that God is hearing us all, as we cry out to Him.